sometimes, ignorance is truely bliss. it's perfect.

all that laziness.

putting aside all friendships, work and burden...

tiring, but rested.

time to get back to the real hard-life world. tomolo would be it.

i think i'm in love. a scenario that i can't possibly imagine i'm in. Is it really what i think it is? I still need to figure it out.

Tomolo is the last day for me to choing. Wish me luck.... *wry smile*

we are old?

That is most definitely true.

remember when we were young we used to think that grown-ups are so clever? the way we try to puzzled out how come they knew so much? The always ponderous thought about whether we would suddenly learnt how to speak like them when we grew up?

face it. We have grown up. not so innocent, no longer young.

we longed to be 16 years old, the sweet year.
we longed to be 21, then 25.

before we realise, the most important part of our life is gone, our youth.

self pitying, feeling unloved, feeling that everyone's disgusted eyes were on me?

wads with my dad and all that expectation. I'm not gonna see him in hospital ever again. I'm hating now. i dun care.

all that nature, my character....wads so dislikable? irritating? attitude? bad temper? i'll say wadever and whenever i want, hate people treating me as a not-grown-up, can't-be-serious guy. A person who doesn't mind being pulled a prank on, a guy who is sporting, will do anything you ask, a side-kick who gives lame jokes.

met anyone who says something to you that makes you dislike that person but in that moment in time can't think of anything to answer back and for the next few weeks or so he or she keep on his or her attitude towards you? you find yourself more and more disliking that person and one day all the mixed feelings came out in words and you drop the explosion on that person?

there are somethings that i can dun care. My education, my home, my stuff, me being poor.
but there are some things that i'm very conscious about. How people look at me. people doing something to you and they dunno that you mind, people not waiting for you when you ask them to, people not paying attention to whatever you suggested. why? why do they do this? cos they thought i wouldn't mind? or just dun care about me?

wad sensitivity is this? and they dare claim that their feelings are accurate? claiming that they are sensitive to people around them?

wad you think of quanyong?
oh okie lah, he very lame one...

i mind people saying stuff like that. there are some people who can be a joker, but i'm not. Of course who doesn't love people laughing along with them? i love it too. but how many times have you guys laugh ? how many times have the words: 'that's so lame!!' came out?

Maranatha, camp 2003. remember where i acted as a pregant woman and the younger brother who saw his elder brother looking at porn during talentnight? I made a lot of people laugh that night. I was crowned the best supporting male actor. but no, i felt terribly silly, i felt untrue to myself. I hate the fact that people laugh at me acting a fool on stage. i was willing to do stuff that was thrown at me...but i mind doing it.

sometimes i felt sorry for my dad. he always say in our quarrels that he always have been helpful in church because human relationship...like it or not...was forged by initiative and usefulness and people would be likely to help next time if we help first. Me and my sisters felt that my dad wasn't appreciated enough in church. he had done a lot for the church and wads the result? the church people gave him more things to do and so much so that everyday he wasn't even done by 2 am. My dad took initiative, whether he mind or not i do not know.

sometimes i see my friends having fun and i felt left out? sometimes you know your other friends are so bond with each other and you desperately wanted to be so too? Jealousy?

just be glad for them and tell yourself that you need more time to be with them? nah. i can't do that. It's not me. it's just not me. tell yourself stuff that console yourself? wads the point? You know that something is unfair here and here you are assuring yourself that it's nothing? Life is unfair, but i rather believing in that fact than telling myself that things in life is not wad it always seems.

i'm sure you heard me saying this before but i'm gonna say it again. I'm tired of acting... i hate people thinking of me as a joker who only knows how to be lame... but i also dun wan people to think that i dun join in the 'fun' and therefore left me out in things

So tell me...how do i be true to myself and be happy? It's either i act what i am not or be true. either ways i'm still unhappy in church.

What can i say....i did not enjoy the camp a single bit.

Firstly i'm a not-paid camper...after the camp everyone was even more...if i could say that is...everyone was more 'bonded' to their friends.

i was not.


i felt left out, lonely, scornful of every single lame stuff i heard.