i love responsibility (who doesn't wants to have lots of things to be responsible about?) you get respected, you get more stuff to handle (which tires you a lot) and get good impression (and you would always be expected to meet the expectation and do better. but then you feel like you have no choice but to do the things that you are asked. the feeling that you are going to take a bigger task and later and even bigger task.)

the reward? more trust and advance in the social ranking? sure you get those.....and even more stuff to do.

tend to back out. can't handle it. had a big task coming up and all i'll do is to escaped. perhaps it's what i do best: get into trouble. I suppose i should type thank you God or sth like that but no... i dunno what to believe. whether it's my ehem innocent look, speech, actions, background and wadever reasons that had gotten me safe moments. it's often and it leads to each phrase in my life. i've grown. too grown. perhaps too calculating and complex to accept what actually happens?

someone said to me: you think too much. remember that the lord would want us to be as simple and innocent and accepting like a child? believe with your heart? sounds fascious. very hard for me to know.

feel, believe with your heart. very easy to say huh. can't even tell, know what i'm believing now. sure, i do know the model answer, and i can say: i KNOW that there is a God somewhere, but i'm not close to him. (prob is do i even believe that there is? or is it a model answer?)

after many many years of tutage saying that God created the world.... do i believe that?

isn't it easier to accept it? than to find out? not easy though.

i met a movie goer at cineleisure, orchard ....like 3 days ago? time was 1.10am, roughly. ice age 2. a comedy. (that's not the point)

but that he was with a bunch of friends... about 5 or 6 altogether? and so is everybody else, mostly. and there i was all alone, watching a midnight late movie. 2 years ago i won't question anyone with the habit like mine of watching movies alone. but recently ppl start asking. 'you watch movies alone?' followed by an incredous look. it's pathetic, that's what they say. especially going alone to watch a horror movie, no one to share the fright with you. (which i do go alone)

the movie goer coincidentally was also by the name of alvin. oh of all names. so he spoke to me, introduced himself. and asked the question why i was alone (prob the key reason why he spoke to me)

i'm not typing this to convinced you guys that i infact like to watch it with others except that everyone is busy and such blah blah blah. no i'm not... in truth i would gladly go alone. not that i'm gonna type here why.

i felt more comfortable without friend by my side..... good news? dun give me the: you are so wrong dude... one day you will need friends thingy...

sure i know that. friends restricts, movement, actions, speech. maybe i should learn to adapt more though.

the proverb about the best medicine being the most bitter and effective? meaning that although harsh words may be as pain as a piercing arrow but it's meant to be for your good?

tell you guys what... i dun want any bitter medicine. i dun wan to be heal.

what happens when you know what has to be done or change and knowing that you have to do it, but yet you can't find the motivation and the will or the desire and the urgency to do it? friends, force, persuasion, reasoning... nothing goes.... what will you do?

ya know. i wanted to type long blog entries, writing everything i feel within it and you know...just blurting everything out so everyone knows clearly wad i feel. but no. i hate to do that. for one thing it would probably turned out to be a composition of self pitying and why this why that. which isn't what i wanna record down anyway. so instead everything should be short concealing which i'm sure you guys would take it as some kind of advice i'm dishing out and you would prob go: oh another advice... uh huh...so? why are ya telling me this?