i love responsibility (who doesn't wants to have lots of things to be responsible about?) you get respected, you get more stuff to handle (which tires you a lot) and get good impression (and you would always be expected to meet the expectation and do better. but then you feel like you have no choice but to do the things that you are asked. the feeling that you are going to take a bigger task and later and even bigger task.)

the reward? more trust and advance in the social ranking? sure you get those.....and even more stuff to do.

tend to back out. can't handle it. had a big task coming up and all i'll do is to escaped. perhaps it's what i do best: get into trouble. I suppose i should type thank you God or sth like that but no... i dunno what to believe. whether it's my ehem innocent look, speech, actions, background and wadever reasons that had gotten me safe moments. it's often and it leads to each phrase in my life. i've grown. too grown. perhaps too calculating and complex to accept what actually happens?

someone said to me: you think too much. remember that the lord would want us to be as simple and innocent and accepting like a child? believe with your heart? sounds fascious. very hard for me to know.

feel, believe with your heart. very easy to say huh. can't even tell, know what i'm believing now. sure, i do know the model answer, and i can say: i KNOW that there is a God somewhere, but i'm not close to him. (prob is do i even believe that there is? or is it a model answer?)

after many many years of tutage saying that God created the world.... do i believe that?

isn't it easier to accept it? than to find out? not easy though.