Me.......childish?

Firstly, haven't you realised now how fake the internet is? I can easily pretend to be a girl on maple and you wouldn't even know. My personality, how serious i am, how generous i am, i can easily alter it by doing or saying something.

The question: So how do you know i'm childish? As in, you can't say that i'm one childish person. For all you know i may not be.

The answer:Well so it happens you are right, i behave just like what you know me as in real life. But why shouldn't i? I have this crazy, joking, Can't-be-serious attitude since young. life is hard, difficult, full of prejudice. Why be so serious about it? Be mature.....to what? face these problems? Sure, sometimes we should be serious about some things in life. But be serious in a game???? Come on, you are supposedly to relax from the harsh world through gaming. (therefore those people who play games with the three words: To quickly level in their mind really don't understand the concept of mmorpg. Why the hurry to level? wads the rush? It's an mmorpg...take your time, there is no rush, just have fun)

For all you guys who ever have thought of me as childish, not-matured-yet and have mistaken my jovial attitude as an act of pre-maturity, i don't really blame you. It's pretty easily and effortless to come up with this kind of feeling.

Secondly. Khai, you weren't the first one who have told me this before. A lot of people have mention this issue to me but they weren't using the direct tone you used and at that point of time i didn't have the correct explanation for them. But after u pointed that out, i was pondering and decided to gave everyone an answer.

finally thank you for reading this and well i hope we have an understanding. Friends forever ^^

Horoscope

The gift of speech. Unique to us humans, it's an amazing thing to be able to communicate using proper formed sounds. But yet, too much of talking results in self conscious and neglection.

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Stress brings about loss in sensitivity, irritation?

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thirdly, my character, style is my own. words, choice, decisions are mine to make. No one can ask me to do whatever i don't want to do.

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this feeling, ever felt like this before? Sitting in the dark typing, thinking, pondering, trying to collect your thoughts and on the verge of tears?

loneliness. Suddenly found that the people around you have all ignored you? none have given you as much concern that you wish they had given you? so say they are not aware, that ignorance, staring at them chatting cherily with other friends. feeling lost, worthless, wishing that you could have done something. harsh words, false accusations.

could have ignored all of it completely, put up a brave front, get on with life but comon, are they going to leave you as you are?

no. life is harsh. here am i trying to engrossed myself in a whole new virtual life, resulting boredom, and greater realisation of loneliness. what works anymore? nothing works anymore, nothing.

"life could you be a little softer to me? softer softer.... softer....to me"

i have never thought of it that way. My sisters are all matured already. Not saying anything in a proud way but i had a pleasant surprise when i found out wanqin wearing a dress to meet her friends for a movie, and making some of the tough decision i've found myself making once in a while. seriously i was quite proud of them.

being the eldest amongst the three of us in my family i'm ashamed to say that throughout my sister's period of maturing i've never been a good example to them. Honest. I would say more of perhaps a comparison to themselves. It's up to them to whether accept what i did, or to change it. Again i was never seriously good at any studies, arts or learning. But seriously, i'm proud to say, they are independant, i absolutely admire them for that. Studies on time, knowing when to sleep for the next day test. Want to show them a clip on the internet and they would refused, complaining of their next day exams.

As much as these feelings, i never really thought of taking care of them. somehow it just doesn't fit with my feelings for them. To say that i love my two sisters was a really foreign word to me. I can't bring myself to even utter it.

But whatever it is, they ARE my sisters and i'm proud of them. Of that it will never changed.

i sort of had a real big hook on computer games, so much so that i fail 1 moldule and scraping though the rest of my moldules. my mentor saw this problem of mine and recommend me that i should considered going for national service first as i don't have the mind to study. it really wouldn't help if i failed all my moldules and end up not getting a diploma and wasting three years doing practically, yes practically nothing. after my national service, so say my mentor, i should come back and continue my studies. he strongly believes that being in the service would wake me up properly, so that i would not make a fool of my studies and therefore study seriously.

the irony about this whole issue of course is that my obsession over computer games. adding to that irony is that i actually chose my current poly course myself. like it so much that i actually quarrel with my mum who tried to persuade me to chose other more 'useful' courses like business or biomedical.

so above was my self pity for my blunder.

covering right now is how i intend to do it, to make up for it, to remedy this very seriously fatal mistake.

somehow i talked to preacher wu and thank God she was a great help. was worried for me and am sorry to have found her a nuisance at times. she offered help and ways in many forms. Cds, christian's books, and numerous counseling.

it had however made me realised that i really need to change, to improve.

sometimes it seems easy and i find myself succeeding, however not always.

well one more thing my mentor told me. going off to national service is only an escape from the problem. why not stay and tackle the problem, change my habit, my obsession and score well for my next 2 and a 1/2 years.